Tough Friendship, or Tough Luck?

i’ve been feeling a little unsure about some of the friends i spend time with. sometimes i wonder if they truly see me as a friend or if i’m just there. i shared how i felt with someone i really trust, and she said maybe one of them might be feeling a bit jealous of me. but honestly, i’m still confused. i don’t know if it’s really that, or if they just don’t think of me as a real friend.”

– confused chime

Dear confused chime,

Friendship is something that is never smooth-sailing. It has the ability to make us happy, yet, it can also make us doubtful, insecure and hurt. There is a fine line between a good and a toxic friendship, and sometimes, one may be misunderstood as another. 

That said, while friendships are inherently difficult to understand at times, it is important to recognize signs of toxic or one-sided friendships. In the case of jealousy, your achievements may be downplayed and you may receive over-critical comments from your friends. The list of friendship problems may seem never-ending, but like most relationships, friendship can get stronger through adversities. 

It's okay to take some time to pause and reflect on your friendship. Was there someone in the wrong? Was there a misunderstanding? Get a clear idea of what exactly needs to be addressed and worked on. Perhaps you'll realize that the friendship is indeed one-sided. Perhaps it's not, and it's just a misunderstanding. Perhaps, you don't even know what's happening and you have no idea why your friends are ignoring you (writer’s note: I've been there, I got ghosted by a friend when I didn't even do anything). 

Although all friendships are different from one another, there are two essential things that we have found beneficial for our past experiences when trying to fix friendships. First, communication is key. Good communication from both sides is important when trying to resolve disputes between friends. Find a middle ground between you and your friend. Second, never resolve the situation through text or call, instead, do it face-to-face. In-person conversation may be daunting and it may be tempting to use text to talk it out. However, the situation will call for both sides to understand each other, which can be helped through tone, body language and facial expression. 

You may not manage to get it right the first time, but keep trying. However, if you do find yourself in an unresolved toxic friendship, it would be ideal to leave that friendship, as the friendship may cause you to feel emotionally drained and controlled. Ending off, be strong and steadfast. Initiate that first conversation with your friend and try your best to resolve your friendship should this friendship be valuable to you. You can do it. 

With Love, 

Dialy

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5 Signs of a Toxic Friendship

1. Never respects your boundaries

   A toxic friend will constantly cross your boundaries and dismiss your feelings. That will make you feel unheard and unvalued.

2. Jealous of your success

   Instead of celebrating with you your successes, they might downplay it, give backhanded compliments, or even try to one-up you. True friends support you, not compete with you.

3. Only showing when its convenient for them

   Do you notice that they only go up to you when they need a favour from you but disappear when you need them? This is a classic sign of a one-sided friendship.

4. Emotionally draining

   Instead of feeling supported and refreshed after spending time with them, you might feel criticized constantly and emotionally exhausted. You might even find yourself constantly trying to please them.

5. Overly controlling

   A toxic friend might try to control who you can or cannot befriend, or expect immediate replies to their messages, leaving you feeling suffocated and manipulated.

If you recognise these signs,  it’s probably time to re-evaluate your friendship. Start to take your first steps in protecting your peace and mental health.

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